Anticipation


autumn-moments

{Octoberfest is my blog event in which I attempt to write every day during the month of October as a pre-cursor to Nanowrimo in November. Welcome to the insanity.} [Side note: Sorry I missed a couple of days. I stopped being a human and turned into a potato, so I couldn’t. My apologies.]

Anticipation and anxiety are so close. They walk hand in hand sometimes. You’re excited for something to happen and it quickly turns into anxiety the longer you wait. For example, you interview for a job. You’re excited about the results. You think you did well. But then, you start remembering all the little things you did wrong. And after 24 hours you are in a fit and obsessing over the spinach you had stuck in your teeth and how that ruined your chances for that dream job (which, face it, wasn’t all that great anyway).

“Be anxious for nothing…”

I’ve been suffering from anxiety lately. I’m applying to grad school and with that comes absolute terror and a deadline. I haven’t had to write under such pressure in four years. God help me. Every time I stare at the screen I flip out and end up watching Korean/Taiwanese dramas (which then obliterate my soul). Escapism is my deadliest frenemy.

“…but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known before God.”

I know I should. I should pray. Let it go. Be Elsa. But it’s hard to give up control when you (I) are convinced you (I) have to try harder. Do better. Be better. Here’s the secret: I HAVE NO CONTROL. In this case, control is an illusion. I’m in the Matrix, baby. And that’s actually okay.

“And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I’m waiting on that peace. I keep praying. Giving it up. It’s an hourly thing. Every day. Every time I remember that I procrastinated or worked on something else. Sometimes it’s moment by moment of praying for peace. I hope I can make it through this. I want anxiety to transform into anticipation. Wind back the clock. PleasedearGodI’mbeggingyou.

 

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