July was rough

I’m just going to be completely honest with you all. July was really hard. I fell down a pit of self-loathing and pity and I’m struggling to climb out. My relationships suffered a little, my work suffered a lot and I made several self-discoveries that do not sit well with me at all. Starting with…

  1. I hate my body. That was a hard one for me to swallow, but my actions every day prove it and my attitude toward myself and my body are so freakishly negative that sometimes it is hard for me to get through an hour, let alone a day. And this month was just event after event that brought that forward.
  2. I am not on top of things. My bullet journal obsession hasn’t waned, but I’ve stopped using it. Doesn’t make sense? Yeah, I know. It’s because I’m not organized or responsible or on top of it. I’m a complete and total mess and I thank Jesus for the grace that he drenches me in daily because without it, I cannot even imagine what my daily life would look like.
  3. I’m a messy person. I always used to justify the mess by saying “I’m organized though”. Since I’m not (see point 2), I can’t just write it off anymore. I’M MESSY. I leave my clothes on the floor and in every area of my apartment. Part of me is amazed that Emily hasn’t killed me yet. I hate doing the dishes and bless our ayi who comes twice a week and does them for me (I’m terrified of moving back to the States and finding that doing my own dishes is a necessity). I laundered my sheets two weeks ago and HAVE YET TO MAKE MY BED. They just sit there, constant reminders that I am lazy and messy and not organized or loving to myself. Thanks sheets.

And these are things I have learned this month. I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a lot of negativity, Nicole. Damn, girl. You aren’t that bad.”

But I am. I am in desperate need of mercy and grace and wisdom and love. And Jesus has been pouring it on me since I drew breath. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful and humbled I have been this month (this last week particularly) to know that despite all my flaws God looks at me with love. He gave me wonderful friends who reach out to me, wonderful co-workers who look after me, and a magnificent family shower me with love every day.

When we are faced with our sin, with our flaws and our nastiness we should immediately look around and find the love. Don’t justify it. Don’t call it beautiful. Don’t say that it’s perfect. It’s not. Call it out. Stare it in its ugly-ass face and kick it out of your life. That’s my plan.

I am a child of God, saved by grace. I am loved. I am beautiful. My body is a temple. I have the power of Christ through the Holy Spirit. I was predestined. I am being sanctified. I am free from sin and death. I am a new creation.


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