The Darkness

There are things in life you never truly understand. The vast and almighty power of God is one of them. You can experience some of it, but it’s impossible to fully comprehend.

But short of the spiritual there are things here on earth that are inexplicable unless you experience them and I’m finding that I don’t know a lot about things I was sure I understood.

Depression. It’s a word that gets tossed around and that people claim to know and understand. But until you’re sliding down the slippery slope, you can’t. I’m not even claiming to understand it fully. But I know that I’m not me. The past few months have led me to this place where every morning I wake up and put on Happy Nicole, when I don’t feel happy.

I have to force myself to get outside and see the sky (even the polluted one). I have to force myself to smile and talk to people. It’s not all the time. I do have moments of genuine joy and happiness. And I am scrabbling back toward that edge because I am being swallowed by darkness.

It sounds so dramatic. I’m a dramatic person, so of course it seems dramatic. I have to talk about it. I don’t want to wallow; I don’t want to feel this crushing weight on my chest when I wake up in the morning. I want to get up, to be happy, to exercise and love myself, to be creative, to love God. I just find myself not caring about anything.

So this is where I am. I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to change too, but I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure how this is going to turn out. And I’m regretting a lot of the irritating advice I gave to my sister when she was depressed.

I’m not looking for platitudes or godly wisdom. I’m not even looking for sympathy. I’m just letting you know. I’m not okay. I’m struggling and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can. I’m letting you know that this isn’t something the fixers in my life can fix. It’s not something the soothers in my life can soothe away. There isn’t a formula, there aren’t words you can say to make it better. So please don’t. If you feel you need to do something, you can pray for me. That’s all.


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