My heat isn’t working, so here are five tips for you when your heat goes out and it’s below 0 degrees (Celsius).
When you stop feeling your toes, it’s time to cuddle with someone you love. You can warm each other. What’s that? Your favorite cuddle partner isn’t there? (EMILY WHY DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW? I’M FREEZING!) That’s okay! Burrow under the blankets and create a cocoon/cave to become toasty in. (It should be noted, it took me seven tries to spell cocoon right.)
2. Jumping Jacks/Run in Place/Exercise.
What? You still can’t feel your toes? That’s okay! Frostbite isn’t here yet! Get up and warm your entire body. Then when the feeling returns, dive headfirst into your blanket cave and stay there forever.
3. Take a Scalding Shower.
NO! That didn’t work either?? Okay, take a shower so hot that you get blisters. You’ll be all furnace-y and warm and then put on your warmest pajamas. Now, dive into your blanket cave again. You got this.
You forgot socks, didn’t you? That’s okay. Go put on your best pair. Normally, I’d say throw them in the dryer first, but I don’t have a dryer here in China.
None of that worked? Okay, go sleep in your roommate’s room. I’m sure it’s fine. She wouldn’t want you to freeze. Alternatively, if you live with your spouse and you’re both freezing to death still, crash at a friend’s place. Preferably, one who has heat.
Good luck! May the heat ever be with you and your heaters never break in the cold of the winter.
(I know what you pyromaniacs are thinking: What happened to good old-fashioned fire?? I live in China. I don’t want to get deported. If you have a fireplace, use it. Duh.)