The Thief and the Cobbler: A Live-Blogging Experience


OMG. I’m so excited that I found this on Netflix!

AH! That’s Matthew Broderick’s voice! Hi MB!

One-Eye is a super creepy villain with a super-creepy-villain name. That dude has A LOT of arrows in his back. I think there are like ten of them. That’s some serious resolve to get to Bagdad (spelling?).

Okay, here’s a question: Why did the king of Bagdad just ignore the One-eyes? Like, they conquered all the places but the Golden City. You’d think he would understand that they would be attacked eventually. He’s not a very good strategic leader.

OUCH! He hit his thumb with his hammer in his sleep. That’s an awkward way to wake up.

I LOVE THE THIEF! He’s the best.

This movie is visually stunning.

This woman is kicking the Thief’s ass. And her arms are very hairy. That was a super intense scene.

“This place looks relatively free of old ladies.” HA!

He opened the money pouch and a BUTTERFLY flew out! WHAT?! DO IT AGAIN!

The tubaists faces are completely red. Daniel, does your face look like that when you play? (Note: ask Daniel this soon)

OMG, ARE THEY FLOGGING PEOPLE?! No wonder people hate ZigZag. What a treacherous thing to do.

He has an announcer. And minions to roll out the red carpet before he steps on normal ground. That’s super impressive.

What is with his shoes? Are they party favors? They roll out and roll up. And they have little colorful balls on them. Is he five? ZigZag, dude, get a new pair of adult shoes.

Cobbler and Thief are stitched together due to Cobbler’s awkward “work-in-his-sleep” problems. That’s gotta be uncomfortable.

Ouch. ZigZag stepped on Cobbler’s tack. That must be painful in your ridiculous shoes. Cobbler could make you better ones and you wouldn’t experience such pain, ZigZag. The problem was not Cobbler but your choice of footwear.

Oh wow. Her waist is soooooooooooo tiny. “This life I live in regal splendor seems a waste.” That’s a line. Thank you, Princess Yum Yum, for that peek into the disillusioned royalty of the animated world.

I SENSE A SONG COMING ON.

That is clearly not the same person doing the speaking voice. Like you can tell that the singing voice is a different person.

This song is just as good/bad as I remember. The dancing. I love it.

Why are the Nanny’s arms blue?

What is the point of having a veil if it’s see-through?

THAT BLUE ROSE HAS STARS ON IT. WHERE CAN I GET ONE?

Her eyes are purple!

Okay, she just sang a song about how she’s wants to be seen as more than a beauty. How she has a mind and wants to use it and then the Cobbler’s all like, ” I’d never seen anyone as beautiful.” Okay. But she doesn’t want you to fall for her looks. She wants you to fall for the whole package. She just sang about it.

How have I never noticed that ZigZag is blue? Like he is actually blue. Like the Genie, only evil and he speaks in rhyme. Also, the king’s feather is a rainbow. I want one of those too.

ZigZag just made a pun worthy of Grace. “He attacked me.” Because one of the Cobbler’s tacks fell and he stepped on it. That’s funny. I’m laughing.

Okay, so his face is red now because he’s talking to Yum Yum. But his hands are still blue. It’s weirding me out.

He has four finger joints on each finger. And his cave/tower/creepy-place is the shape of a vulture. Like Fido. WEIRD.

Okay, I just paused and counted FOURTEEN arrows in the dude’s back. FOURTEEN. He is a badass. Like, Boromir had seven arrows in him and kept fighting until the Hobbits were gone. This guys has fourteen and is all, “I gotta warn the king” over freaking MOUNTAINS. I think we all know the hero of this story. Forget the Thief and the Cobbler. The Scout wins.

The Cobbler’s name is Tac. Go figure.

I forgot how obsessed the Thief becomes with getting into the palace to steal the Golden Balls. “Gravity is our friend.” Did he just find his mother in a drain pipe? I find that disturbing. Okay, he flushes himself down the toilet (btw, this movie has modern plumbing?!) and says “Oh, no, not again!” AGAIN? Like you’ve done this before? That must be awkward for you, Thief.

“Why can’t I ever talk when it matters?” I feel ya, Tac. I feel ya.

“They don’t make castle gutters like they used to.”

“Well, hey. Look at that. Soap. So that’s what it looks like. I’ve heard of it in storybooks and songs.” Lol.

This is an INCREDIBLY inappropriate scene for children! Yum Yum is taking a bath! Have some decency Thief and go back down the drain!

Yum Yum talks to herself. Just like I do. It makes me like her despite the musical number.

Okay, the chase scene is probably the best scene ever animated. In the history of animated scenes. For serious.

Oh no! He’s going in a cell! And the key is shaped like a Z. That’s incredibly weird. He made Yum Yum’s face with string playing Cat’s Cradle. That’s an awesome skill. Dude’s got skills.

Okay, they haven’t really talked. At all. But now they’re in love? I suppose that’s how these movies work. It’s just a little disappointing.

“ZigZag was up to something. I had to escape and warn the princess.” OF WHAT? You have no proof of anything! You don’t even have an idea of what it might be! You’re crazy.

ZigZag orders a polo match in Yum Yum’s honor. A polo match. Did they have polo in ancient Arabia? I’m gonna find out, hold on. Okay, they had it. Weird, but cool. Polo it is.

I love that the polo ball is attracted to the Thief.

ZZ wears pink underpants. With Z’s on them.

Ha! The Thief is really the best part of this movie. “His bony but beautiful toes are reaching…”

I have an idea. Why don’t you protect the balls instead of freaking out that someone will take them.

I like that with the biggest golden ball he’s going to Disneyland. It’s so perfect.

How are the golden balls bouncing all over the square? How is this possible?

Two of the arrows came out since we last saw the scout. BTW, I wasn’t counting the giant FLAG sticking out of his back. Like, ouch.

Okay, nobody care that the scout is dead. That’s cool. Just leave him on the rug. REALLY?

“Babies don’t go ‘clank.'” Best line of the movie? I think so.

The king is so stupid.

“I’m smarter than any man in this city.” says the stupid Princess. Okay. That’s discouraging.

This dude has a hook for a hand and a hook for a foot.

The chieftain of the brigands is Ruthless. That’s so awesome. Now they’re singing. “We’re what happens when you don’t finish school.” Truly a tale of warning. It’s fantastic. Also, they had to sit on Nanny to incapacitate her. Because she’s that awesome.

The One-eyes are terrifying. Like for serious. His throne is made of women. Live women.

ZigZag just charmed the alligators. He’s super duper creepy.

“We’re big, but we’re delicate.” Says a Brigand.

You gotta appreciate how the Thief never shirks from a challenge. The mountain is made of stone hands and he goes, “I’d be dead if this mountain started to applaud.” He’s the funniest and the best.

I forgot how sassy the witch is. Well, that was cryptic. Thanks for nothing witch.

One-Eye has shark teeth. There are so many layers of them.

One tack brought down the entire one-eye war machine, including the elephants. Cool.

They could make the Thief’s adventure into a roller coaster ride. I’d ride it.

They hug at the end. They declare their love and hug.

Oh, there’s the kiss.

IT WAS SO GOOD. I’M SO HAPPY. Okay, if you made it through this, congratulations.

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