Everyone has that person. You know the one. The person that almost disgusts you every time you look at them. They have it all. And you don’t. And you can’t help but wonder, What did they do right? What did I do wrong? WHY CAN’T I HAVE THAT LIFE?
You think it, even if it’s fleeting, and it’s unsettling. God places those people in our lives for a reason, and for me it is to show how unsatisfied I am with everything in my life outside of God.
Over the past week I have had that moment about each of my close friends. I mean, to be perfectly honest, I am surrounded by the most awesome women EVER. But it kind of sucks if you’re in the middle of a crisis and have no one to pour your heart and soul out to who doesn’t live lightyears away. Because all I could do was sit and wish I was there. They all are in Chicago (save one, the beautiful Emily is in Minnesota), and I’m not. They all seem to be living some dream or another, that I can’t even ponder right now.
I’m living with my parents. My life is falling apart CONSTANTLY and only occasionally seems to meld into something positive. In the past month I have run out of money, had my car fall apart, had conflicts with several people including family, realized that I’m gonna have to work on my birthday, and had many hopes and dreams dashed with a few callous words. Most of that happens to everyone every day. It shouldn’t mean so much to me. But I have to admit, I’ve hit a low. I want so much more and can’t seem to get it.
My friends are all gorgeous, self-starting women who pretty much know what they want. I used to know what I wanted, but am in such a state of flux now, that it’s hard for me to point in one direction and say, “Yes, this is where I’m going,” definitively. And I’m crazy jealous. I’m jealous of the fact that most of them are together. I’m jealous of so many things that for one full hour of one day it ate away at me. That was on Sunday.
And then I was blessed. This week was a VBS type thing at my church. It was a soccer camp and I volunteered to help and was assigned to the Blue team, which was full of 5-6 year olds (most of them were five and a half, as they told me oh so proudly). It’s amazing how a five-and-a-half-year-old can change your perspective. I got to help for four out of the five days (I worked on Thursday) and somehow got two shadows. The first one was Grant. He quickly realized that I was totally cool and asked me to pass with him every day before we started. The second was Olivia who liked my style, I guess. Both were precocious, which endeared them to me immediately.
I have always believed that kids are people too and that they should be treated as intelligent beings, because they are. People who treat children like they are dumber or not as people are stupid. So, I don’t change my vocabulary when I’m around them (I used the word ‘facetious’ and had four kids ask me what it meant. I sincerely hope that they went home and used it in conversation with their parents…), and I always get involved. I don’t like to give instruction and then step back to see if they get it right. I throw myself into the fray with abandon and get dirty (or wet, during the water time). Lead by example. I could see that some of my fellow coaches were a bit thrown off, but the kiddos were fun and I was having a delightful time, so I didn’t really care. I got so excited every morning (except Thursday) that I got to spend my afternoons with the cutest kids on the planet and that we’d all get to play soccer together. It didn’t cause me to forget or stop worrying about my troubles, but it helped me to remember that I’m still a kid. And my adopted Father has me under his wing.
It doesn’t mean that I won’t reap the consequences of my decisions. I have to take those as they come because I’ve made bad choices. It DOES mean that I’m not alone and that through every experience I’m being taught by the One who knows exactly what I need. And that’s comforting. I am precisely where I need to be right now. I have all I could ever want in my God, who is perfect in every way and knows all. Hebrews 12 is my comfort this week.
On a completely different note; I’ll be participating in Bout of Books this upcoming week because I have spent far too much time watching TV or playing stupid games to read and grow. I wish to change that. If you want to join me in this awesome readathon then go HERE.