So, I’m angry. I’m SO ANGRY. And instead of simply confronting the people with whom I’m upset, I’m gonna be passive aggressive and write about it. Not about why I’m angry, but about anger in general.
I’m gonna be upfront, it doesn’t take much to make me light up like a firework. I have a short fuse and it goes off frequently, but since certain experiences my freshman year of college, I’ve learned to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Unless you are in my immediate family, the chances that I’ll blow up in your face are minimal, whether you’re a super good friend or not. I try to figure out if it’s worth getting worked up over. Is it worth all the time and energy that anger requires? Because anger requires a lot of time and A LOT of energy.
To remain angry means allowing yourself to replay the transgression (such as it were) over and over again in your head. It means fueling that fire constantly. It means thinking up new and inventive things about which to be angry. And it’s exhausting. Forgiving isn’t easy; I’m not saying it is, but it’s much calmer than anger.
Forgiving means reminding yourself every day, every moment it pops in your head really, that you’ve forgiven them. That anger isn’t worth it. That they’re only human after all. And every human, me especially, errs from the truth.
All that being said, sometimes you have a right to be angry. Or maybe not ANGRY, but hurt. And I think that’s the kind of anger I’m with which I’m dealing. I’m not raging or out of control angry. I’m hurt. And I’m angry in a quiet way. I believe that biblically it’s called righteous anger. Although, I don’t feel righteous. Maybe because I’m too cowardly to confront them. I keep excusing their behavior. It is partially excusable. So maybe it’s not so righteous after all. When Jesus got angry, it wasn’t about him. It was about God. And I guess he is God, but it wasn’t centered on his person. He threw out those freakin vendors because they were defiling the sacred. That’s not why I’m angry. So, definitely not a righteous anger. I’m glad I cleared that up.
My anger is selfish. My anger is all about me and what I need. But I haven’t asserted myself and said what I need, so I guess it’s misplaced anger. I should either correct my behavior, or redirect my anger toward myself for refusing to say what I need. However, if saying what I need makes it all about me, is that right? So it shouldn’t be about me. I should be drawing everything I need from my all-powerful, omniscient Creator. He knows EXACTLY what I need and His supply of it is everlasting, so why should I hesitate to ask for it? Why do I demand it of mere mortals instead of my Savior, who battled death so I could have it?
I am so foolish. Silly me.