So…I haven’t written anything in a while and I’ve been allowing myself to be sucked in to mind-numbing TV. I’m sitting here, on the couch, wondering why. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I just letting life happen, instead of taking charge of it and forging ahead with no looking back? The answer is simple, yet complex. I’m afraid.
I don’t take criticism well on a good day. On a bad day, I take it horribly. And it’s hard to convince yourself that people out there actually care what you write or say, when no one reads it. I’m not saying that you are no one, dear reader, but sometimes it feels like this is for naught. Why do I even have this blog? I don’t remember why I started it, but I think it must have been some ploy to get attention. Maybe it still is. I’m afraid to try something, anything, and fail at it.
A friend of mine is having similar struggles and I told her that everyone is human. Everyone fails. For some reason, I can’t embrace that though. I don’t want to fail. I want to write brilliantly, like Jane Austen and touch people through my words. I want to be the best. And I’m not. I’m not the best out there. I’m scared that I’m going to try and be as good as I can be and that people will still hate me. More than that, that no one will like my work.
Jane Austen is a genius in my opinion. Another genius, Mark Twain, hated her and went so far as to say that a library consisting of her books was no library at all. He hated her. But failure never stopped Jane, because she loved to write and be clever. The difference between her and me? She actually was. I try to be clever, but I’m not. Not really. I’m not a genius who can translate the human condition to paper. I’m no John Green, who understands the culture perfectly and touches thousands through various media outlets. I’m not a trendsetter like Carrie Hope Fletcher or a rebel like Jack Kerouac. I’m a follower of both trends and rules. I’m safe. I stay in my bubble and never leave it.
I’m scared. And I don’t want to be anymore. But how do you demolish fear? Do you just brazenly step forth into the unknown? Do you put all of who you are out there, with no turning back? I’m so afraid that I’m going to break my own heart by getting rejected and not being able to handle it. Or worse, that I’m going to disappear because I won’t try.
Fear eats away at you. It crawls in through a simple feeling, starting in your head and moving downward until it paralyzes you. Finally it takes over your heart, ensuring that you’ll never follow your passions. It clouds your judgement and fogs up your visions of the future. It turns everything and everyone hazy, so that you can’t remember what you wanted or which direction you were trying to go in the first place. It distorts what is and makes it look scarier.
Fear. I’m paralyzed by it. And I can’t break free.