Sweet Melancholy

Last week was the last week of classes, which is when I wrote the title for this blog post. Since then, I have been sitting back, unsure of what to write. However, the knowledge that I have left this blog unattended, even in the business of the end of the school year gnaws at me. So, instead of finishing my internship paper, I am writing this.

Amongst the lasts of the year, was my last day at Moody Publishing. I cried. There was something deep within me that wanted to scream, kick, yell at those who were responsible for me leaving, but I know that it was out of the hands of most. MP made some budget cuts, so I, a mere assistant, was put aside in favor of someone with more experience and skills. I don’t know who that person is yet, but I hope to come back next year and maybe find another position there. Part of my sorrow at leaving was the knowledge that I had found a business I truly loved. I love publishing. I love everything about it. I love acquisitions; I love marketing; I love editing; I love sales; I love it all. I don’t think I’m good at all of it, nor would I want to be stuck in marketing for the rest of my life, but there is this part of me, deep down, that connects with the publishing world and I know that I was meant to be there. Leaving took will power. Leaving gracefully took the power of God. I won’t ever forget my year there. It was marvelous.

Another part of my bitter-sweetness was leaving my Tuesday/Thursday classes, and Editing. I love those classes. Inside Book Publishing was a crucial class for me. It helped me see what I want to do and how I can do it in the publishing world. Hebrews was wonderful. I love Dr. Sauer and I love the book of Hebrews. I learned so much and hope to be able to live out everything I learned in that class. Editing…Editing was interesting for me. Half the time I disliked it, because so much attention is focused on news writing and that’s not what I do. But now I feel prepared for any sort of editing that I might be called to. I made friends in these classes, some that I’ll never see again, and that makes my heart heavy.

Now we come to it, at the end of the year everyone leaves. I hate that. I hate that my friend Cory is graduating and leaving. I love that he’s getting married (I love his fiancée, Sam), but I hate that he’s leaving. I hate that my friend Bruce is graduating. I hate that two of my best friends, Nick and Emily, get to travel overseas and experience wonders that I’ll never know firsthand. I am incredibly envious of all of their experiences that they haven’t even had yet. I don’t think they even know or could comprehend how badly I want to get out of here (“here” meaning the country). I want to stand in awe of people who have passed before me. I want to walk where emperors walked. I’ve been to Europe, but I don’t feel like I was there long enough to appreciate what I saw. I don’t like people leaving me. It feels like a bit of me is torn when I say goodbye to people I love. And I hate that feeling. I don’t want to say goodbye to Luci, Andie, Ashley or Lauren, because so often physical distance makes gaps in friendships. There are other people I don’t want to say goodbye to, but I feel silly listing them for all the world to see.

Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite literary characters because she embraces both the joy and the pain of life. It makes her a bit dramatic, maybe, but she is able to appreciate the sweetness of every painful moment, I think. I like to imagine that I’m like that too. Separation from Chicago, my job, and my friends will be painful, but there’s a cinnamon sugar layer that makes it sweet: I know that I get to come back. I’ll see everyone once more, either now or when we’re all partying it up in heaven. This summer I’ll see Luci and Cory (I’m going to his wedding!). In the fall I’ll see everyone else, except Bruce (which makes me want to cry a little). And I know that every person was put in my life for a reason. I have learned so much this past school year, about heartache, deadlines, obedience, temptation, respect, writing, etc that it’s hard to be sad. So I give myself time to be melancholy, to enjoy the sweet heartache, and then I move on, to the joy that I know comes after every tough moment, given to me by God.

I won’t say goodbye yet because I’m staying until Saturday, but soon Chicago, I’ll be leaving…