These past few days have been growing days. I’m not accustomed to hiding any part of me; I feel like I’m open all the time and anyone who knows me knows what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it, because I suck at hiding my emotions. But the past three days have proven to me that I can hide whatever I want from people. Sometimes I feel like there is so much conflict in me that I’m going to EXPLODE!
I know exactly what Paul means when he talks about his sinful self warring against who he is in Christ. It’s like this picture. Complete disaster.
Last night I had a conversation with God about things, and I was angry to the point of yelling. Frustration seethed from me and shortly after my roommate came in, I lay on floor screaming. Does any of that actually help, you might ask? Not really. I mean, I felt a little better, but the question of “why” still hung in the air, completely unanswered. As my roommate and I talked I realized that I was frustrated, not at the trials, but that I didn’t know the outcome. I’m not in control. And it’s so frustrating not to know. As my roommate said, “We just have to be patient. And it sucks.”
For the past three days I’ve had the song “Beautiful Things” by Gungor on repeat. The chorus is, “You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.” Then I listened to the song “Beauty Beyond Me” by Andre Feriante. He goes to Moody and played at Joe’s last year and handed out free CD’s. I got one 😀 “The beauty of proud hearts being broke down and torn,” is one of the lines. I heard that and I almost started crying. There is such beauty in being broken, that you can rarely see when you’re hurting. The last song I listened to this morning was “Beauty from Pain” by Superchick. They have a line directly from 1 Peter 1, the same passage my beloved roommate paraphrased last night, “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
Getting this picture was a lot of trouble, so I hope you appreciate it. Isn’t that sweet?! That’s gold, yo!
Now, dear reader, I know what you’re thinking: This is a great blog post, and you’ve used pictures which is awesome. I’ve enjoyed it ever so much, but what on earth does any of this have to do with motivation? You titled it “Motivation.”
Excellent question, beloved reader. I had a conversation last night with a friend where I sounded slightly less (or a great deal less) than intelligent. I made the glib comment that I didn’t think much about motivation. (Dear tongue, why do you speak?! Is there not any way I can silence you until I form coherent thought? BAH!) The beginning of last night’s railing at God was asking why I say stupid things like that. It ended with me saying, why can’t I just love Jesus? Why does all this stupid stuff get in the way? Why can’t I just seek His face with no distractions? The answer was that I am being refined. Motivation is everything, if you aren’t doing something for the right reasons then you shouldn’t do it at all. Unfortunately, we can never have 100% pure motivations because we’re sinful. Which sucks. But as long as I’m pursuing Him, then my motivation will be as pure as I, a sinful woman, can have. I asked hard questions about publishing and success a couple posts back. The answer came at church on Sunday. If I am doing anything, setting any goals, that aren’t glorifying Him, but are to glorify me, then I shouldn’t have them. I should be motivated by Christ and that’s it.
I realize that this was a long blog post, and I apologize. If you’re still with me, way to go, you get a gold star! This is the most vulnerable I have ever been on the internet, so I’m nervous about posting this. And I’m not sure that my thoughts follow one another very well…sorry.
Farewell, dear reader.