The end of the summer…holy cow. I never knew it would come so fast! I don’t often use this blog as an outlet for just my thoughts, but today…er…tonight is a different sort of night. For the past ten days or so my sister and I have been at home in relative peace, because my mother and two younger sisters have been on a vacation of sorts. And tomorrow that peace comes to an end with their return. It got me thinking about how in one week, one short week, I will be on a plane back to Chicago. I love Chicago. I miss Chicago. But this summer has been a precious time for me. For once Brianna and I didn’t fight every waking moment. I wasn’t always rebelling against my parents. I wasn’t constantly struggling with my younger sisters either. We all got along and enjoyed each others company. Mom says that it was a healing time for all of us, and I think she’s right.
Two years ago we were uprooted from the one place I called home. It wasn’t a station for me; it was where I grew up into a young woman. Brianna chose to stay and that tore our family apart a little. Then, a week or so after arriving in our new home, Colorado, I moved away to Spokane. And that tore us a little more. Brianna moved to Florida then and spent one week home. It hurt, to think that she didn’t want to stay longer, but I understood. I was antsy to get out of the house too, that summer. Then Dad got sent overseas, and once again our family came together. Bree and I stayed home, under the pretense of “helping” Mom. I think we did, but we are lazy children, so not nearly as much as we should have. We girls bonded. And it was fun.
I didn’t really do much this summer…I played and half-heartedly tried to get a job. Now I’m 3/4ths heartedly trying to get one in Chicago, but I never have taken rejection well. And now the summer’s gone. And I’m left wondering, what on earth did I learn, did I do this summer that made any difference? I didn’t really write much, although I cut a chunk out of my typing. I didn’t work, I didn’t volunteer like Mom nagged me to do. I sat and did nothing. I struggled. I’m still struggling. I saw friends. But I didn’t make any friends. I feel like a complete failure. And I know what my Dad would say, or will say if he reads this. “Nicole, you may have been a complete failure this summer, but that doesn’t mean that you should give up. Keep trying to get a job for the school year, be productive.” Or something like that.
And now I’m stuck in one of the worst writer’s blocks of all time. Or at least in my lifetime. I’ve been writing since I was seven and it has never been this bad. Usually I can just go off somewhere else and write another story, but no. I’m completely out of ideas for anything new or anything old. The Nomorims has once more gone stale and The Golden Rose is right where it was when I stopped, senior year of high school. I know why I never finished now, because I couldn’t figure out how the mother’s death would affect her, or Camden or how she would go on. I don’t relate with Alexia at all. I’m not like her, so it’s hard to get into her shoes and find out what she’s feeling. I hate the feeling that I have nothing left in me to give. And that’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’m completely dry.
After a moments pause I realized something vital. This is not about me. This whole post is filled with “I.” It still is, because I’m so freakishly self-centered. God is supposed to be my center. He is the reason that I exist, that I write, that I live. He is my sun, around which I revolve. Or I should anyway. I don’t think I do a good job at being God-focused. I’m not a very disciplined person. Not the way I should be. I am full of faults, and I praise Him that He forgives me for them. I pray that He will continue, because my life will be full of summers like this one. Summers when productivity is a word, when love for others is not evident in my life. When I wake up in the morning and wonder why I awoke. But He will be there, pick me up, and tell me that I was put here for His purpose. Even times like this are built so that we can learn from mistakes that we make. So that we can look back and see that slothfulness leads to nothing fulfilling or worthwhile. So that we can see that when we aren’t living with fire in our belly, living to shine, we aren’t truly living at all.
Well…I guess I did learn something this summer…