A Note I Wrote on Facebook and decided to post here. :)


I’m not tagging anyone, because I’m not sure if I want it to be read…lol. But I felt the need to share my feelings with the rest of the world and no one reads my blog, so… Today I did something that shocked and perplexed me, because it was something I’d never done before and it’s not really anything I’ve ever thought of doing. I’m now rethinking a lot of the values I’ve had in place since I was like 10. I’m finding more and more that as I get older my confidence and self-worth seems to shrink. I don’t think I’m as confident in myself as I was last year and, looking back, in my senior year of HS I was downright arrogent. Is this a good thing, or does it simply mean that my focus has been slipping for years? I had four people tell me that I was beautiful tonight and for whatever reason, I’m finding it hard to believe them. I know in my head that God thinks that I’m perfect just the way I am and that I should think myself beautiful, but I don’t actually believe that. How is that possible? Is this a permanent mindset? When did I start thinking this way? And I do my devotions every morning, (right now I’m in Daniel) but how often do I feel the burning passion of love for God that I should? Since I arrived in Chicago I have felt subpar. The administration here has seemingly forgot me in every sense. There was no packet or name tag for me at orientation, I didn’t get a laundry card, I didn’t get an advisor, and I didn’t get a PCM. Obviously, I’m taking this way too personally, because that’s what I do, but I feel pushed aside. And I feel that a lot of friends that I’ve known longer find me annoying and always have. Am I paranoid? Am I just scarred from some not so nice encounters with friends in the past? I’ve had three people tell me that I’m not worth keeping as a friend and the pain still hasn’t gone away. I carry that into all my relationships now, that complete fear of being rejected. I hate being alone and getting rejected hurts me like nothing else. A lot of times it isn’t personal. Like getting rejected in the job hunting process, but I still feel the sting of it. Where have I set my sights? On the world. I’m obsessed with what others think of me and how I stand with them. One thing that I’ve done since coming here is dance in the plaza. I jump around listening to my music and just enjoying the outdoors. I don’t worry about anyone else while doing it, I just do it. How is it that I don’t care about the opinions of others during that time, but I do with everything else? The only opinion I need to care about is my Savior’s. He should be my life and everything that I am. Where did my passion for Him go? I’m so passionate about everything in my life. I’m passionate about reading, writing, friends, enemies, getting a job even, but I feel like I don’t care about God anymore. How did I get here? Why am I here? What happened to the complete AWE I had for Him everytime something amazing happened? I remember seeing stars and just praising Him for that. There aren’t any stars to be seen in Chicago, but there are so many people groups here. I should praise Him for creating so much diversity! Could anyone else have thought up so many creative types of people? (well, no one else was around, so no…lol) But if I could create people it wouldn’t have been anything original, it would have been based on SOMETHING here on earth. Isn’t it amazing that He made all of this from nothing? I guess I’m writing this because I was thinking about why people like me. My worth in my own eyes has gone down so much that it boggles my mind why anyone would want to hang out with me. I’m kind of a loser 😉 but God made me unique. People see the passions that He created in me and for whatever reason find that attractive. lol. But if I’m not passionate about God then I am nothing and I need to remember that, and I would encourage whoever reads this to remember that too. We have been created to glorify God with every action and reaction, whether you’re as dramatic as me (as if anyone else is as dramatic as me!) or if you’re as quiet and undramatic as Paige Fontana (I love her for her silence! She’s such a blessing!). That’s really all I have to say….

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